Coping with College

13 February 2017

This reflection contains allusions to murder and suicide.

My body hurts—I’m sick.
But I think not just physically sick.
Spiritually sick.
I don’t love what I’m doing right now, yet I’m doing it—and I’m sacrificing my own mental health to do it. What? Why did this happen? How did this happen?

4 days ago, Deah, Yusor, and Razan died.
Shot in the head by a crazy man.
At the ultimate tournament this weekend, I was caught.

100,000 at the #moralmarch
A crazy man knocked on the door of his neighbors and shot them.
>500 college students playing ultimate in Stevenson, CA.
How? How can all 3 of these things exist in my mind all at once?

How can I get back to Carleton and immediately forget all 3, choosing to turn to comps?

Forget. Meaning my body continues processing while my mind and actions take me elsewhere. But my body knows what I need.

And I don’t need comps. I don’t need perfectionism. I don’t need useless academic projects to make me feel useful in the world.

I need God. I need to wrestle with the contradictions inside of me. I need to know how 100,000 people could be in Raleigh, 2 years after #ourthreewinners, while I am playing outside fancy free.

I’m not done with that contradiction.
And yet the treadmill decides to spin
faster without consulting me.

Compartmentalize? Fuck off.
Compartmentalize as my body deteriorates?
As my throat pierces me to wake up to what’s really happening?

I just need to be sad, to let my body hurt.

Treadmill, you can throw me off.
I don’t want to be on you.
I never wanted you.
But maybe I did.

James Baldwin: You can’t deny another person’s humanity without denying your own.

Yeah. I loved you, Deah and Yusor and Razan.
Even if I never met you.
To the man who shot Deah and Yusor and Razan: I think I love you too.
You denied your own humanity.
That’s clear.

Maybe Luigi did too.

Why did my love for him burst only when he let us all know how much, exactly, he denied himself?

Damn. The world does not need another comps project.

The world needs us to recognize and cultivate our own humanity.

I’m sorry, world, for not doing that right now.

Don’t apologize.
The world is set up this way.
You’ll get a college degree from it.
You’ll be able to do more with that, so focus on that.
I’d be able to do more with a lot of things.
But at what cost? Cost to my own humanity. Cost to others’ humanity.

So yeah. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to do something about this bullshit.

Deah and Yusor and Razan.
You beautiful souls.
You gave us humanity.
You found your own humanity in your devotion to God, and you gave us life through it.
Thank you.
I love you.
Even as it’s hurting, especially as it’s hurting.

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